Even a brief glance at the Information TV schedule should be enough to convince anybody that, sometimes, it really is worth getting out of bed.
To begin with, allow me once more to simply transcribe the description of that which is currently broadcasting at the time of writing.
Actually, this time the title alone should be enough to raise a beatific smile. Click to enlarge:
Look how fantastically matter-of-fact is that synopsis! Two superb uses of the present tense and two superlative deployments of full stops!
Right there, in one simple television listing, you have an example of beautifully elegant English and the recipe for what might well be a bloody good film.
Let us now take a look at the sort of quality programming – past and present – that one might expect to find on Information TV.
Curiously, Information TV refer to the shows that make up their schedule as their “clients”. They couldn't have made it clear that they're doing them – and us – a favour. They're rendering a service for humanity itself.
UK Boating TV – This series reports on “all aspects of leisure boating – inland, coastal and offshore, power and sail. Made by the boating community, for the boating community!"
How To... - Like that old CITV show! A series of programmes designed to show you how to do things. “Combining the knowledge of certified experts to help viewers have a greater understanding of many different topics, these documentaries will be exploring issues that are of interest to the whole family”.
The Moore Show – This is a chat show presented by one Kevin Moore. I used to know a Kevin Moore. He was lovely. I'm sure it's not the same Kevin Moore, but still. Advertising itself as “an opportunity to see things from a different perspective”, you should see their list of guests: Sir Patrick Moore, Tony Christie, Colin Fry and David Prowse. Something for everyone!
Executive TV - “Working in collaboration to support governmental and organisational-led initiatives that evoke innovation and modern day approaches across industries and sectors.” Even boring people need their own television shows. Kudos to Information TV for bearing this in mind. Kudos!
3rd Eye Paranormal Investigations – At the time of writing, only two episodes of this appear to have been made. It's a paranormal chat show with two guests – one a sceptic, the other a believer. What's going to happen!
ParadigmShift – One for the conspiracy theorists. “ParadigmShift.tv fills the gap left wide open by existing broadcasters by showing pertinent, expertly researched and often explosively revealing documentaries. Its independent perspective on global news enables viewers to make intelligent and informed conclusions about the world in which they live.” You can just picture them, the darlings – sat there making notes, eyes wide with fear.
Brighter in Darkness – Is that a toned torso in the logo? Evidently, this was a show for people who quite liked Twilight. “Toby’s life is turned on its head as he is propelled into Lucas’ dark world of the Vampyre, De-mons, the Supernatural, Dark Goddesses and Ex boyfriends (both human and Undead)!”
Lauren Harries – Working 9-5 – This show follows “TV's most controversial celebrity Lauren Harries as we challenge her to five mystery jobs in forty hours.” TV's most controversial celebrity? Information TV apparently aren't aware of the existence of Frankie Boyle. Just when I thought I couldn't love them more!
The Book Channel – “The place to be for all book lovers and writers. High quility [sic] programming that book lovers will use as a source of inspiration and information, and authors will want to be on.” Well, I can spot two things with which book lovers might take issue there. The spelling error will in itself raise eyebrows, but the overly confident use of the modal verb “will” to suggest futurity and certainty is what throws me. Still.
I mean, I could go on. No? No.