Hungover Moments of Clarity With Information TV & The Landscape Channel

The world can often feel like an awful place; especially when you're watching TV. On one side you have the news: the rapey, murdery, racist blood-soaked report of rape, murder, racism and bloodshed; where even if they're reporting “good news” they'll add some kind of sneering “angle” designed to show-off their journalistic integrity – makes you want to scream so hard you suffocate.

On the other side you have the sort of things which are ostensibly supposed to entertain us. This stuff is either so vapid and anodyne that it turns the very air into dripping wet cement or worse – it's so painfully cynical and out-there and right-on that it comes across as a desperate attempt to suck every ounce of fun out of anything and everything in the world – THEY WILL NOT REST until they've cast their psychotic sideways glances at EVERYTHING – nobody's safe and RESISTANCE IS IMPOSSIBLE – how many schedules each week are dominated by panel after panel of snarky talentless oafs sat there noticing things – shamelessly regurgitating lines from their “uncompromising” routines with insufferable grins on their unforgivable faces?

The world can often feel like an awful place. Watch TV and you're often rubbing your face in the absolute dregs of everything. Sometimes, you need reminding that there's a whole world out there. Nothing works better than fresh air and greenery, but there are days when you cannot bring yourself to leave the house.

And on such days, you can find sanity and salvation on a humble and unassuming little channel called Information TV.

If you're lucky, you tune in just as The Landscape Channel is beginning its broadcast.

The Landscape Channel shows sedate, nearly static footage of landscape set to a soundtrack of low-key instrumental music – ambient, piano-driven, gently gently – most of it's by artists who probably consider said appearance of their work to be the high-point of their career, but you also get the likes of Mark Knopfler showing up to lilt our very souls.

The landscape they show varies. Sometimes they go for the expansive, sometimes the intimate – extreme close-ups of sunflowers and bridge joints. Initially you smirk, but it's quite easy to find yourself drawn-in. And once drawn-in, the loud mean-spirited leering noise from every other channel feels like an unpleasant yet distant memory from a former life. They need not worry you any longer, and you don't ever have to go back. Nobody's going to force you, it's fine.


OK, I appreciate that this show's probably designed to be broadcast in nursing homes. You tune-in, you switch-off. Why ask for anything more?

But as a lifelong migraine-sufferer I understand the importance of switching-off. Everything sometimes gets to be too much to bear. But there's a whole world out there; there's more to life than this and it's OK to yearn for serenity and escape now and then.

Have you ever had one of those intense hangovers that demands that you do everything slowly and quietly for twelve hours or so? Have you ever noticed how strangely melancholy are those days? Entire afternoons spent in darkened rooms – a necessary sacrifice for the hedonism of the previous evening – a day spent just on the right side of the verge of tears.

The Landscape Channel is the television equivalent of that feeling in your chest and between your eyes on days like that.

Information TV - It's Ronke!

What is Ronke? What does Ronke do? How long has Ronke been doing whatever it is Ronke does? Does Ronke have a smell? Does Ronke wear shoes? Are there any Ronke socks?

Is Ronke a noun, a verb or an adjective? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

How does one Ronke? At what time does Ronke take place? Is the sky Ronke, or the sea?

On what sort of diet does a Ronke subsist? Where might one expect to find Ronke growing? What medicinal benefits, if any, does Ronke have?

Ronke lives on Information TV. At the end of a Ronke broadcast, there's a link. Following that link takes you to an Error 404 page. But this Error 404 page is different. It's an apology.

Ronke is the unwelcome guest who's here to stay. Information TV is your host, just as Information TV is Ronke's host. Over dinner, you both hear Ronke stomping about upstairs. Information TV looks at you with despairing eyes and mouths a pained sorry.

Ronke is, apparently, single. Ronke is a Capricorn. How do I know this? Because Ronke has a Myspace page.

From this we can also deduce that Ronke is male. Be that as it may, conducting a Google image search for Ronke will reap pictures of women.

At the time of writing, Ronke is apparently 91 years old. I think it shows.

Ronke has 247 friends.

How does Ronke describe himself?

“Ronke is dedicated to bringing you the best short films from around the world. We show everything from festival award-winners to no-budget student films. We offer audiences an exciting mix of drama, comedy, horror, animation and experimental shorts.”

I saw Ronke once. In that time, I caught two of these films, both of which I would place in the “no-budget student” category.

The first was an Australian piece called All My Friends Are Getting Married. One man complained to another about itchy hands. The other man suggested that they should get married, so they did. At the end, one of them raised a very good point: The sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer is called I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Yet surely if the action's intended to take place the year following the preceding film, it should be called I Know What You Did The Summer Before Last?

The second film was called Eating Out. Having been to the cinema, a couple went for a meal at a restaurant which could only be described as “swanky”. In the corner a lesbian couple kissed with increasing passion. The man refused to admit that the couple were lesbians, so his girlfriend left him. The dialogue was awful, simply because it came across as obviously having been written. But as a result, it raised another very good point: What the hell do people talk about?

Sandwiched between these films were remarkable idents, presumably made by Ronke himself. These too were of the “no-budget student” category, but my word, were they weird. Come for the films, stay for the idents.

 

Information on Ronke is scant. Their web presence appears to be trapped in about 2006. But if you've made it this far, surely you agree this this dearth of information only adds to the allure?

Ronke is unique and unprecedented. Where else but Information TV would provide a home for Ronke?

The images in this post are not necessarily representative of the films or idents discussed, but are the sole images pertaining to Ronke I could find anywhere. I got them from Ronke's Myspace. I use them without permission.

If Ronke wants me to take them down, I will do so immediately. But for that to happen, Ronke would first have to contact me.

And how amazing would that be?

Information TV Week - Skimming The Surface Of The Sublime

Even a brief glance at the Information TV schedule should be enough to convince anybody that, sometimes, it really is worth getting out of bed.

To begin with, allow me once more to simply transcribe the description of that which is currently broadcasting at the time of writing.

Actually, this time the title alone should be enough to raise a beatific smile. Click to enlarge:

Look how fantastically matter-of-fact is that synopsis! Two superb uses of the present tense and two superlative deployments of full stops!

Right there, in one simple television listing, you have an example of beautifully elegant English and the recipe for what might well be a bloody good film.

Let us now take a look at the sort of quality programming – past and present – that one might expect to find on Information TV.

Curiously, Information TV refer to the shows that make up their schedule as their “clients”. They couldn't have made it clear that they're doing them – and us – a favour. They're rendering a service for humanity itself.

UK Boating TV – This series reports on “all aspects of leisure boating – inland, coastal and offshore, power and sail. Made by the boating community, for the boating community!"

How To... - Like that old CITV show! A series of programmes designed to show you how to do things. “Combining the knowledge of certified experts to help viewers have a greater understanding of many different topics, these documentaries will be exploring issues that are of interest to the whole family”. 

The Moore Show – This is a chat show presented by one Kevin Moore. I used to know a Kevin Moore. He was lovely. I'm sure it's not the same Kevin Moore, but still. Advertising itself as “an opportunity to see things from a different perspective”, you should see their list of guests: Sir Patrick Moore, Tony Christie, Colin Fry and David Prowse. Something for everyone!

Executive TV - “Working in collaboration to support governmental and organisational-led initiatives that evoke innovation and modern day approaches across industries and sectors.” Even boring people need their own television shows. Kudos to Information TV for bearing this in mind. Kudos!

3rd Eye Paranormal Investigations – At the time of writing, only two episodes of this appear to have been made. It's a paranormal chat show with two guests – one a sceptic, the other a believer. What's going to happen!

ParadigmShift – One for the conspiracy theorists. “ParadigmShift.tv fills the gap left wide open by existing broadcasters by showing pertinent, expertly researched and often explosively revealing documentaries. Its independent perspective on global news enables viewers to make intelligent and informed conclusions about the world in which they live.” You can just picture them, the darlings – sat there making notes, eyes wide with fear.

Brighter in Darkness – Is that a toned torso in the logo? Evidently, this was a show for people who quite liked Twilight. “Toby’s life is turned on its head as he is propelled into Lucas’ dark world of the Vampyre, De-mons, the Supernatural, Dark Goddesses and Ex boyfriends (both human and Undead)!”

Lauren Harries – Working 9-5 – This show follows “TV's most controversial celebrity Lauren Harries as we challenge her to five mystery jobs in forty hours.” TV's most controversial celebrity? Information TV apparently aren't aware of the existence of Frankie Boyle. Just when I thought I couldn't love them more!

The Book Channel – “The place to be for all book lovers and writers. High quility [sic] programming that book lovers will use as a source of inspiration and information, and authors will want to be on.” Well, I can spot two things with which book lovers might take issue there. The spelling error will in itself raise eyebrows, but the overly confident use of the modal verb “will” to suggest futurity and certainty is what throws me. Still.

I mean, I could go on. No? No.

Introducing Information TV Week!

Freesat might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

It has The Horror Channel, for whom I would be more than happy to act as a brand ambassador. I'd change my name and everything!

You might argue that so long as you've access to The Horror Channel, you're set. And you'd be right, to a point. Basically, all that's missing from their schedule is the news. Of course, there are horror news updates. They're called Horror Bites, and I think they make up something like 56% of their weekly schedule. But in order to ensure that we never, ever have to change the channel, we will, at some point, need real news too.

Real news, as read out by an old man in a vampire costume like in Gremlins 2. He could intonate the day's news in terrifying tones - “We've entered a double dip recessioooooooooon!” - as thunder and lightning sounds behind him. Then there'd never be any need to change the channel.

The weather could be presented by The Creature. Sports by The Mummy.

Limitless potential. And, ironically, the world would appear a lot less gloomy if the news were presented with such hammy gloominess.

Ahem.

But anyway, whilst I thought that The Horror Channel was IT, I recently found something else. Something really quite beautiful.

Information TV.

They show niche programming. Their slogan is “Making It Happen”. Here you'll see exactly the type of thing that you won't see anywhere else.

True, they broadcast a lot of Teleshopping, and a lot of their stuff you would never choose to watch anyway. But it's heart-burstingly wonderful that not only are these shows made – with dedication, passion and very limited resources – but also that they're watched.

I like niche interests.

Hell, I just like interests. I find it painfully endearing that people should be interested in things. Don't you?

This week is Information TV week on my blog. I will be posting various examples of why Information TV is the best thing to happen to humanity since – well, ever.

Information TV truly represents the peak of human endeavour to date. This is because it highlights that there's a whole world out there, and that it takes all-sorts to make it spin.

It's therefore humanity itself contained within a single TV channel.

As a special sneak preview of the sort of tear-jerking joys you can expect from my loving tribute over the coming days, allow me to share a synopsis of the very show that's being broadcast at time of writing.

It's a show called Caravan Finder. Tonight they're showing episode 17 of 26, in which “Graham continues his journey over in France with his caravan.”

Need I say any more? Need I say any more. Graham and his caravan. Aw.

Actually, the caravan community are just one of many fringe communities catered for by Information TV. I even once caught a light-hearted advert which referenced a hitherto unknown rivalry between those who own caravans and those who own motorhomes.

It seems that Information TV had (hoho) tried to cater for both audiences with one show! This obviously lead to a lot of bloodshed and many, many lives lost. The advert in question was a reassurance that, from now on, each community would have their own programmes.

Beautiful.

 So. Happy Information TV week, everyone. Stay tuned, and that.